My audience has always been ahead of me.

It's been so long since I've written, even for myself - I don't know how many times I've opened this screen to write half of a sentence then realize I have nothing to say.

Although, I have so much to say.

I feel like I've aged ten years in the last six months. Not in a bad way.
I've lost my Mini and soon, my house.
I want to be alone.
I really want to be alone. I can't express this enough.

I dream of a small space. House, trailer. Something I own, something I control. I want minimal interaction with people. Online is fine.

Now that I know for certain what I've always suspected - I don't have to force myself to be social. I've waited long enough that I'm too old for people to think anything else is possible. That works for me.

Contemplating my solitary nature, I realize this is also the best way for me to be a part of something more. I can deal with people on a large scale, I can care and have compassion for "us", I am passionate about community - but individuals can suck it, for the most part. There are too many I can't relate to on a fundamental level for me ever to be more than an oddity. And I'm serioulsy done with being some indeterminite "other". I will forever be repeating myself, if I'm heard at all.

It's not bitterness, anymore. I want solace. I want a bright comfortable bubble of home. I want somewhere to breathe. I want a place I can think and write.

I am selfish now.