violetnun

I had a dream last week, I saw dirtybunny. She was there, I was hugging her, holding on so tight, wrapped my arms all around her. She asked what happened. I told her, "You died." And her body went limp, she wasn't there anymore, I had broken the spell by telling her she died. I was trying to hug her back into her body, yelling at her to come back come back come back. She came back. But I was already waking up, sobbing. I couldn't get the dream back. I shouldn't have turned my head or opened my eyes, I would have been able to get back to her.

I had two dreams the week before she died last year. Very vivid. An owl, a very small white owl. It was small and round and barely looked like an owl, aside from the large eyes. I was sitting in a room, a bedroom I think. I was sitting on the floor and the owl was in the room but not close to me. I felt anxious, it wasn't cute, it wasn't threatening, but I moved away from it as it moved toward me. It was disconcerting. The dream didn't feel like a dream. I knew it was a dream as I was dreaming it but it felt real. It felt so real, I had to search for its' "dream meaning" online. Every site said it meant death. Or change. They always say, "or change," when it really means death. And I put it aside; things are always changing.

And then she was dead.

I used to worry there was something about me that caused people to either not hear me, not care what I was saying or completely ignore me.

But it's not me. It's you.

Please. Just do what you say you're going to do, or don't fucking say it.

It's been so long since I've written, even for myself - I don't know how many times I've opened this screen to write half of a sentence then realize I have nothing to say.

Although, I have so much to say.

I feel like I've aged ten years in the last six months. Not in a bad way.
I've lost my Mini and soon, my house.
I want to be alone.
I really want to be alone. I can't express this enough.

I dream of a small space. House, trailer. Something I own, something I control. I want minimal interaction with people. Online is fine.

Now that I know for certain what I've always suspected - I don't have to force myself to be social. I've waited long enough that I'm too old for people to think anything else is possible. That works for me.

Contemplating my solitary nature, I realize this is also the best way for me to be a part of something more. I can deal with people on a large scale, I can care and have compassion for "us", I am passionate about community - but individuals can suck it, for the most part. There are too many I can't relate to on a fundamental level for me ever to be more than an oddity. And I'm serioulsy done with being some indeterminite "other". I will forever be repeating myself, if I'm heard at all.

It's not bitterness, anymore. I want solace. I want a bright comfortable bubble of home. I want somewhere to breathe. I want a place I can think and write.

I am selfish now.

There is (or was) a man in Hong Kong who once ferried a young English woman and her infant son in his boat. During the trip, the young woman lost her grip on the infant and her son went overboard into the water and sank. Without hesitation, the man dived in and retrieved the infant, plopping him back into his mother's lap.

When my grandmother told me this story, she never mentioned the man's name.

Thanks Man.

I am currently selling my house. My roommates will be moving out by June 1st and it will only be a matter of time before I run out of resources (assuming the lottery plan falls through.) There hasn't been much interest in the house so far, which isn't surprising considering the amount of work that needs to be done.

So I decided to get creative - I've been in contact with a home reno/reality show based here in Ottawa (http://www.wnetwork.com/Shows/All-For-Nothing.aspx) called "All for Nothing!" and they're very interested in coming to see the house and possibly filming an episode here.

The premise of the show is that two homeowners "battle" for the chance to have a commission-free listing with a local realtor.

There's an appraisal done at the start of a two week period and a consult with a designer, both give directions and suggestions for the house to improve the chances of it selling. Then, each "team" has two weeks to "beg, borrow and barter" (my specialties!!) to complete the renovations or repairs or decorating that needs to be done. At the end of two weeks, the group that has raised the value of their home the most (while spending the least) is the "winner". Any actual money spent is deducted, but any money/supplies/labour etc that's donated (or through fundraising done within those two weeks) is "free" and doesn't count towards the total.

I'm very seriously considering this but I would need help and lots of it - either people coming by to visit over those two weeks and helping with the labour, or by donations of supplies etc.

If anyone has any Canadian Tire money they'd like to donate - pls let me know :)

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind of change - not sure yet where everything will land, just trying to stay clear of the debris field for a little longer...

Listed the house for sale, finally. So far one viewing and they're coming back for another today. Apparently this is a good sign?

Listed my Mini for sale :( Without the house, I have nowhere to store it. And my father has moved to the east coast so I'm also without guidance (or tools or a workshop etc) Plus, I need the money.

Car broke down. Thankfully, it happened as I was parking at the Valu-mart down the street from my house and across the street from the mechanic. It was the timing belt and I'd been on the highway 5 mins prior. My car loves me, fer real.

Our little kitten, Gojira, died. This little kitten popped up from the foundation/crawl space in my house last winter after the pipes froze. She was the friendliest cat I've ever met. She was talkative and round and happy and just adored the other big cats she shared our home with. She snuggled and purred and was a frickin delight to have around. I don't quite know what happened, but I found her collapsed at the top of the stairs; I got to her when she was still warm and had a heartbeat but I couldn't revive her or clear her airway and she died in my hands a few minutes later.

Cigarette/tobacco packages shouldn't have "warnings" on them with graphic pictures of rotting teeth or organs. Instead, we should be putting stats and messages regarding quitting successfully i.e. "The average smoker quits 10 times before they kick the habit - is this your last pack?" or "Wait ten more minutes." or "Every year the equivalent of a small city quits smoking successfully." or a series of lung pictures where they get progressively more pink and detailing how long they have been smoke-free...

I think that would work better.

http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hc-ps/consult/_2011/label-etiquet/index-eng.php

Once I accepted my asexuality and all that it implies, I no longer needed therapy.

I am putting my house on the market. As soon as it sells I'm moving to P.E.I.

Less is more.

A few weeks back we lit the first fire at the new house. This is very exciting for me. I love the smell and the burning:









That is all.